Five Times Jack Almost Told Sam He Loved Her
by skidmo
Summary: Just what the title says.


1. There was, of course, the obligatory, "We're gonna die now" time.

You'd think he'd get the urge more often, actually. They almost died every other week. Or she almost died. Or he almost died. So really, you'd think he'd be almost saying it about every other week or so.

But he wasn't.

He'd almost died too many times to give in to the urge to say things that were probably better left unsaid. He'd almost died so many times, in fact, that he'd almost lost the urge completely.

But there was this one time…

He was surprised this situation hadn't come up before. He was almost dying, which was nothing new. Carter was trying to save him, which was also nothing new. But for the first time since he'd realized that, scientist or not, Sam Carter was every inch a woman (beautiful, brilliant, all the other things he'd never admit attracted him to her), it had been her fault.

Sam Carter. Major Carter. The brilliant and perfect Major Samantha Carter. She'd screwed up, and though she was desperately trying to fix it, there didn't seem to be anything she could do. She'd set off a booby trap in the goa'uld artifact they'd been looking at, and before she knew it, he'd been caught in the explosion.

Now he was lying in the grass by the DHD, the all-too-familiar feeling of bleeding out washing over him, and she couldn't get the DHD to dial out. She'd hooked up all her doodads and whatsits and thingies, but nothing was working, and he couldn't bear to see her like that. Hopelessness and fear evident in her blue eyes.

And he'd felt it.

The urge to tell her. To say something to let her know that he could never, ever blame her for something like this. Hell, she could've pulled the trigger on the gun that put the bullet in his heart, and he still wouldn't blame her. Because…well, because she was Carter and he would always, sometimes thought he _had_ always, well…

And then the gate activated, and he knew he'd never have the "We're gonna die now" urge again.

2. Then there was the "Never going to get a chance like this one" time.

He was stuck in freaking Groundhog's Day.

It had taken him and Teal'c way too long to figure out what that really meant for them. Teeing off through the Stargate would have been even more fun on the third day than it was on the thirty-third.

He'd kissed her, which was a big enough risk in itself, but it was something he could write off. It was a very Jack O'Neill™ thing to do. It was impulsive, it was reckless, and above all, it was a big ol' joke.

He'd been tempted though. Tempted to use his new freedom to say something he knew he'd never otherwise say.

And he's glad he didn't. If he'd told her…it would've been like telling an alternate reality Carter. He'd get one moment to be honest with her, something he'd never really wanted with any other woman except for maybe Sarah, and then he'd have to go back to the lie they were both living. And that was something he wasn't sure he could survive.

Besides, it would have completely ruined the joke.

3. There was the "Goddamn Marty sticking his nose in our business" time.

Well, it was lots of times really.

How many snakes does a guy have to have in his head to get anywhere with her anyway? The guy was practically a goa'uld. Tok'ra. Whatever.

Okay, so maybe he was a little jealous.

Enough to almost make it worth it. He knew that if he told her, she'd drop Marty like a hot potato. Snake or no snake. And it wouldn't really be a risk, because Carter would never tell anyone, she knew how important his career was, not to mention hers. Nothing would come of it, but she would at least know, and that would be enough to keep any future competition out of the picture.

But she seemed to really like the guy, even if he was an alien. And she was happy when they were together.

So he told himself that it wasn't really Carter, it was just the remnants of Jolinar that made her think she was in love with Marty.

And sometimes he believed that.

And sometimes it mattered.

4. There was the "I'm gonna die _and_ never gonna get a chance like this one" time.

There were very few days in which he didn't think the universe was playing some gigantic practical joke on him.

Today was one of those days.

Today he was almost sure that the universe's real plan was to get him declared certifiably insane. And he was pretty sure it was working.

After all, what else would you call a guy who voluntarily (mostly) had all the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded into his head for a second time.

They were above the outpost in Antarctica, and the fight was raging around them. It would have been so easy. So easy to just grab her arm as they made their way to the rings, pull her aside and say "Amar." Daniel wouldn't have been there to translate, and even if she figured it out, she'd never have the guts to ask Daniel to confirm it. It would have been something special. Something just for her.

In the end, he told himself she'd understand that when he said, "Aveo…amicus," the "friend" was stronger for her than for the others.

5. And there was, most recently, the "I almost think we could make it work" time.

He was leaving the SGC.

It would have been more difficult for him if he hadn't spent the last year sitting behind a desk.

He thought about it then.

Thought about asking her to resign her commission. Even if she didn't come to Washington with him, he could see to it that she was hired on as a civilian consultant. He probably wouldn't even have to pull any strings. She belonged there, and the program would fall apart if she left, and everyone there knew it.

It could work. He almost believed it.

But he couldn't take her away. She belonged there. And she belonged in the Air Force. She was Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter, and she belonged there. Taking that away from her…making her into Dr. Carter…it would have been like stepping through a quantum mirror. Everything's the same except where it's not.

He told himself it would be the last time he almost told her.


End file.
